My new album Crowded is available now on iTunes. As a matter of fact it is in the “New and Noteworthy” section. PURCHASE ON iTunes
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I don’t have video of this bit but you can listen to the audio using the player below. It is track thee titled ‘school’ and this joke is towards the end.
This is from my hour special “Just Say Your Jokes” start the video at 43:40 or listen to the audio version (track 20) using the audio player below.
Skip to track 19 to listen or watch on youtube.
Unlike humans, whose upper jaw is a fixed part of the skull, sharks can protrude their upper jaw to grab and hang onto prey…a phenomenon known as Gary Buseying.
The Great White shark is not only feared for being an unstoppable killing machine but also for it’s anti-Semitic views and love of the film “American History X”.
Most other fish have skeletons made of bone. A shark’s skeleton is made of cartilage…earning them the moniker “the giant grey penises with teeth of the sea”.
Some female sharks use sperm from multiple males to reproduce, making the pups half-siblings, even though they are born at the same time…making them the most sought after “Maury Povich Show” guests.
When some shark embryos develop teeth, they eat their unborn siblings until one shark remains…this is known as “What we wish Alec Baldwin would have done.”
Researchers have discovered common objects (like tires, gasoline tanks and license plates) left intact inside the stomachs of tiger sharks…but even they can’t find anything edible on Applebee’s 2 for $20 menu.
A shark can detect a drop of blood in an Olympic sized swimming pool and can tell if a female swimmer is menstruating…and much like human males that don’t bleed out of their genitals, they thinks it’s kinda gross too.
Amanda Bynes has recently been exposed by the media as unbalanced, mentally ill and well, just basically bat shit fucking crazy…but what they aren’t reporting on is her ability to change her appearance at a moments notice like some sort of bi-polar chameleon with a heavy addiction to Hobby Lobby brand model glue. I think these photos will prove, without a doubt, that Ms. Bynes is our generation’s Lon Chaney Jr. (Google it, pricks) and undoubtedly the most incredible mimic on Earth. Making Frank Caliendo look like…well..Frank Caliendo.
Amanda Bynes pulls off an uncanny likeness of “Twisted Sister” frontman Dee Snyder. Obviously, her critically acclaimed role in the gender-bending film classic “She’s The Man” helped her considerably to learn the subtle nuisances of playing a member of the opposite sex. While in court, the judge was so baffled that she wasn’t sure if Bynes was there on marijuana charges or was actually Snider promoting a new half-assed metal album that no one will listen to because all his fans aren’t in the 6th grade anymore.
Why not do a reboot of popular 80′s Fantasy-drama “Beauty And The Beast”? And why pay for two actors when Amanda can play both roles simultaneously?! Most actors would require 3 or 4 make-up artists and it would take several hours to achieve the desired effect of a half-man, half-lion creature, but with Bynes, she has it down with the help of someone else’s prescription medication she found on the bus and a less then reputable strip mall plastic surgeon located between a “Check Into Cash” and “Discount Tobacco”. She just rolls off her futon and is ready for action! And much like the Beast in the original show, she soon will also be living in the sewers under a major city.
What better actress to use in a live-action Nickelodeon movie than a child actress that Nickelodeon chewed up and spit out like a piece of dog shit flavored Fruit Stripe gum?!? Amanda IS Sandy Cheeks of “Sponge Bob Square Pants” fame and who else has more experience carrying on conversations with inanimate objects than Bynes?!?
Sure, everyone has a pretty decent DeNiro impression, but only Bynes can replicate Bobby D after taking a savagely, bloody beating in 10 rounds of boxing without headgear. She actually took this selfie IN A GYM! What machine does that shit to your face?! Planet Fitness may have a lawsuit on their hands…free tootsie rolls ain’t gonna cover it. SIDE NOTE: Amanda can also do a spot on “Taxi Driver” impression.
Sure the anti-Semetic kid from “School Ties” made a pretty good Jason Bourne, but come on Hollywood! Who better to travel through Europe running her car into shit, violently attacking strangers and being snagged by a fishing net unconscious and having no idea who she is?!? It was the role she was “bourne” to play!!!!
Lifetime Network, Oxygen Network, Oprah Network…what are you waiting for?!?!
Amanda Bynes doesn’t need psychological evaluation for attempting to set her self ablaze yesterday! She just knows what every online comic book geek alive knows…Chris Evan can’t play The Human Torch AND Captain America! Not in one Marvel universe! She is going to perfect this role and save the movie studio millions in CGI…so there you have it, true believers…Amanda Bynes…a true cinematic Master of Disguise!