Bill Squire's Website

 A lot of people want to know how I got started doing comedy. The best version of the story goes like this.

 

I was raised Mormon and if you don’t know this when Mormon’s are around 19 years old they are encouraged to go on a mission. I wanted to make my parents happy so I went on one. I ended up in the Philippines. I was a good missionary and enjoyed teaching people cause I could make them laugh. I did not however enjoy the strict mission rules and about 18 months into my 2 year mission I started breaking rules. It started innocently enough with going to see movies and buying a TV for our apartment and it kind of snowballed from there. I had my first sip of alcohol while serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. It didn’t stop at a sip either, we got fucked up and I loved it. One of the missionaries I was breaking rules with didn’t want to pay his tab so they called the cops and he paid and the cops gave us a ride back to our apartment! Score. I also loved Filipino women because they love Americans if you say the right things like “Yeah, I’ll take you to America.”

 

So I got caught hooking up with girls and got excommunicated and sent home from my mission. I was sent home one week early. I made it almost two years and finally got busted one week before I was supposed to go home. I probably could have made it the rest of the way if would have been a better liar but deep down I wanted to be found out so I could get the real me out in the open.

 

When I was finally home I had no plan I tried working for my dad doing construction but it is hard work and I was injured several times in just a few weeks. I took the injuries as a sign that this was not going to be my future and I looked for another option. I was told many times while I was teaching people in the Philippines that I was very funny and I should try doing stand-up comedy and there happened to be an open mike in an old theater right in my home town. So I wrote some terrible jokes and went on in front of about ten people or so and about seven of them were fellow open mikers and told some jokes. That is how I got started. The best part is if I weren’t such a pussy I would still be working construction so thank goodness I lack the determination and drive to be a real man.

 

I’ve done a bunch crap since I have been doing stand-up. I have won some contests and lost a lot more. I have opened for some famous people that are very funny and some that aren’t so funny. I have performed in some of the best clubs in the country and some of the scariest shit holes as well.

 

I have been on TV but nothing you have seen so it doesn’t matter. My jokes are funny so enjoy the show.

 

Thanks for reading this

 

Bill Squire