I don’t really like anything about Kanye West but his ability to trick people into thinking they have purchased something of value is unparalleled. Kanye released a plain white t-shirt that costs $120 and they sold out. With that kind of mark up I believe Kanye has not chosen the correct career. Kanye shouldn’t be rapping, Kanye should be coercing people on the midway to throw darts at balloons to win a “Cliffhanger” collectible plate or to toss rings over bottles to win over sized stuffed animals made by Chinese children. With his ability to manipulate people into making such foolish purchases I seriously believe Kanye could have been the first billionaire carnival worker. Kanye West is the world’s greatest carny and we are all his rubes.
I know that Kanye isn’t going to take my advice and go down the path that was meant for him but I would like to work with some of the other popular musicians to see if any of them have the same magic touch as Kanye. So I present to you…
“OVER PRICED HIP HOP PRODUCTS!”
Lil’ Wayne would be my best guess at the rapper that has the same ability to woo the rubes as Kanye does. The fact that anyone has ever listened to one of his songs all the way through let alone spent money to purchase his music shows me he has Jedi level carny potential.
The article of clothing that Lil’ Wayne could sell at an inflated price would be…
With all his trips to the emergency room for sizzurp related issues “Lil’ Wayne Hospital Gizzowns” is a no brainer.
Actual Retail Price $2
Ridiculous Rapper Price: $178
Why is it so expensive? Each Lil’ Wayne Hospital Gizzown is made of recycled paper from first editions of classic literature. Why read the greats when you can wear them?
Even though no one asked him to, Rick Ross has decided to become the spokesman for shirtless morbidly obese rappers. That takes a level of charisma and delusion only found among the best carnies.
As horrifying an experience it is to gaze at a shirtless Rick Ross I have noticed the man could use a little support. Which is why I think this next idea is a match made in heaven.
Rick Ross could take Kramer’s Bro idea and not only make it a reality but make it a must have for buxom male hip hop enthusiasts. This man bra won’t just lift and separate it will establish street credit among your peers!
Actual Retail Cost: $30
Ridiculous Rapper Cost: $390
Why is it so expensive? Each “Rick Ross Bro” will be made of space age material (lycra) that will keep portly gangsters looking and feeling cool. To ensure quality Rick Ross will personally test every bro on his own large wobbly moobs.
A half Black, half Jewish Canadian Rapper? How in the fuck did this marble mouthed douche get famous? I have no idea but people for whatever reason seem to like Aubrey Graham. Seriously, his first name is Aubrey. What has the world come to when one of the most popular rappers in America is named Aubrey? Anyone that can establish himself as a Canadian Rapper has carny written all over him.
Stupid names and bad music aside I still think Aubrey has market appeal. The trick is finding the right product for him to endorse. That’s why I think the perfect line of products for Drake to release is…
A sensitive rapper like Drake needs a high quality tampon to keep vaginal irritation minimal. Aubrey Drake Tampons for Men will keep your mangina high and dry.
Actual Retail Price: $6.99 for a box of 18
Ridiculous Rapper Price: $69.99 for a box of 9 Heavy Flow
Why is it so expensive? Aubrey Drake Tampons come in what appears to be a high quality silver cigar tube but on closer inspection one will notice a very light but detailed floral pattern that is a perfect hybrid of false machismo and being an extremely overrated pussy.
I think all three of these products have potential to be really well received by the rubes that are hip hop fans but I’m curious what other products popular rappers could use their carny skills to get people to overpay for. Have any ideas? Leave them in the comments and I will repost the best ones.