My Mormon Mission

I was raised Mormon. My entire life I was being prepared by my parents and church leaders to serve a mission. I tried to buy into the whole Church of Latter Day Saints thing but I never felt comfortable with religion. I was leading a double life. One of a good Mormon son and then the real me, a funny outgoing kid that wanted to experience the world not judge it. I wasn’t a bad kid. I was just a lot happier when I wasn’t around Mormons.

I left for my mission in early April of 2002. I was assigned to the Quezon City, Philippines Mission. I was twenty years old at the time because I had to wait a year due to some transgressions(blow jobs) I had with my non-member girlfriend. I was really hoping I wasn’t going to qualify for a mission but I played the game and acted like a good Mormon boy while still doing all the shit I was doing before.

When I arrived at the Missionary Training Center I tried very hard to convince myself I could follow all the mission rules but with in a few days I was sneaking away anytime I could to jerk off to pictures of the other missionaries sisters or girl friends…and one mom.

After the two months in the MTC I was very happy to be in the Philippines and I was an okay missionary. I picked up the language pretty quickly and I really loved the Filipino people. They were fun and loving people and the first year of my mission I was pretty obedient except for the occasional bathroom fap.

After a year I was promoted to a Senior Companion and a District leader where I made one of my best friends to this day. Another missionary we will call Elder Boldin. He was a lot like mein that he wasn’t really all that concerned with following the mission rules. He just needed some one to help him justify it. I was that person.

Boldin was a Zone Leader and I was a district leader and with in a few weeks we had pretty much stopped working and were spending our days watching pirated dvd’s in our apartment. We also went to see a few movies in the theater. I know these don’t seem like big deals but mission rules are very strict. We felt like missionary gangsters. We started getting cocky and bragged about going to the movies. We started renting soft core Filipino Porn and had plans to try to meet some girls but a missionary that we had bragged to ratted on us.

Our Mission President disciplined us by stepping us down and transferring us to different parts of the Mission because he didn’t know about the porn just that we went to see a movie. I felt bad about getting caught so I kept my head down and worked my way back up to District leader in about two months. This is when I started going off the rails.

I had a new missionary as my companion we will call him Elder Brown. Elder Brown was pretty new to the mission and didn’t have a lot of enthusiasm about the work. So we spent most of our days hanging out with the female church members or listening to music in our apartment. We noticed across the street from our apartment there were about 6 or so 18 to 20 year old girls sharing an apartment and we started flirting with them, which wasn’t hard because we were Americans so we stood out.

Then one day we got up the courage and went into their house. I made out with one of the girls while another one of them showed Elder Brown her boobs. I had learned my lesson so I kept my mouth shut this time and we didn’t get in trouble.

A few weeks later I was then transferred to another part of the mission in another house with a missionary I had known from a previous Zone. I knew he was cool and we bought a TV and cell phones the first day we were in our new area. We were both district leaders. His companion was new and impressionable and mine was a Filipino at the end of his mission. No one really had any desire to be there so we didn’t do much missionary work we just had fun.

I started getting lots of girls numbers and with in two months I had been promoted from District Leader to Zone Leader and thats when shit got real fun.

I was in charge of an entire zone which consisted of about 16 missionaries. The missionaries that were cool with breaking the rules were easy to find. We would play the role of good missionaries when needed but when ever we got the chance we were chasing girls. One night we were bored so we decided to go to a strip club in the area. We got drunk and brought some of the girls back to our apartment. This went on for a while. Other missionaries from different zones started meeting up with us to party. We would go to bars and strip clubs to drink and hook up with girls.

Then we had a party in our apartment and the landlord reported us to the Mission President. It was April of 2004 and I was in big trouble. I was being sent home one week early. I was seven days away from getting away with it scott free. I would have been in the clear but I am honestly quite happy that I was caught. If I hadn’t been caught I would probably still be leading that double life. I took all of the blame and was excommunicated and sent home. I covered for the other missionaries but they kept breaking rules and eventually more were either excommunicated or disfellowshipped and sent home. I am not sure of the exact number but I think around 20 missionaries over about a three month period were sent home early and I was the Kingpin. I like to think that 8 years later they are still telling my tale in the Quezon City Mission.

I loved that time of my life and it made me a better person. I am living a guiltless and happy life, something I never experienced as a Mormon. The further I get away from organized religion the happier I am. I know it helps some people but it doesn’t work for me. I am a better person in spite of religion not because of it. Besides, all I was really trying to do was help a few young ladies “hold to the rod.”

A month after I was sent home I started doing Stand Up Comedy and have been ever since.

About Bill Squire

My name is Bill Squire and I am a stand up comedian. When I was 6 years old I fell on a wooden deck and broke my arm. Everyone had a good laugh. I guess you could say I was bitten by the comedy bug at a very early age.