Bill Squire's Website

I have an awesome wife that I love to pieces. The thing is on my way to getting this awesome wife I learned a whole bunch of tricks and such to help men understand and be able to bang women in any hole they would like. I thought it would be nice of me to share what I have learned in a new weekly series called Bill Squire’s Guide to Sometimes Getting Girls/Pussy.

It has been a few weeks or months since I wrote one of these entries. Consistency has never been one of my strong points. I have hot and cold streaks and this will be the topic of this weeks entry. Failing is what I am best at. I fail all the time and I am not alone. I think it is safe to say that everyone fails more than they succeed. This isn’t a ra-ra get-back-on-the-horse speech; it is just a reassurance that failing is the best way to get better at something or to figure that you shouldn’t be doing it in the first place.

In my lifetime I probably have a 90/1 success rate with women. It may even be a little higher than that but the point is I am not a lady’s man in any way. However there is plenty of good that has come from all this rejection, such as a great sense of humor, low self esteem and basically my whole career as a comedian.

As a youngster I was told by some fucking retard that if a girl likes you she will give you signals. Say you are at the movies with a girl. If she places her hand on her thigh it means she wants to hold hands and vice versa. So every time I went on a date with a girl I firmly placed my hand on my thigh waiting for hers to reach her thigh so I could reach over and grab it. Most girls I went out with must have not got this memo or they did and were very conscious to keep their arms folded as to not have their hand engulfed in my clammy fat digits.

Take it easy there hot shot

That is how I would sit hand at the ready like I was in a showdown in the wild wild west.

My senior year of high school I asked a girl to homecoming and made a complete ass of myself. She was a sophomore and I figured she would totally dig getting asked by an older fella. I had given her and a friend of hers a ride home a few times and in my world that meant we were in love. You don’t just get a ride home from a boy if you don’t want to put on fancy clothes and grind on him on plastic tarp in your high school’s gym. I took her laziness and my kindness as a match. Without doing any research I bought some flowers, showed up at her house unannounced and asked her to homecoming. She answered the door, said “No, I’m going with my boyfriend,” and closed the door with out taking the flowers, so I left them on the door step. Years later her boyfriend came out of the closet and I am one of the 100 best comedians in Medina County. Your loss, toots.

I turned this experience into the first funny bit I ever wrote doing stand up.

You are gonna fail trying to get girls. There isn’t anything that really works because all women are very different and like weird stupid things about us that we will never understand. If you really want to bang a lot of chicks, get in shape, wear bedazzled shirts and spike your hair. That seems to be a constant that they fall for.